You said you were jealous of him. Jealous of how I could write so much about him.
You said you wished it was you I wrote about.
I don't believe I ever told you, or anyone for that matter: I could only write about pain and sadness and suffering and heartbreak since I started writing poems and stuff in elementary. Those and a bunch of news articles and write ups.
So here I am, writing about you. Finally. You must be feeling something right now. Something, anything.
I know I am, and you must know what it is. I just told you.
This blog is for you. This open diary. In case you want to know how I still feel about you in x number of years from now. Or maybe you won't even remember me anymore.
When you told me that, I planned to write about the happy stuff. About us. But I couldn't. It just wasn't the same. I could never put into words how happy I felt from the moment you held my hand that night. Like finally someone was there for me again. Like I was home and I was safe. Like everything just fit. Like I wouldn't ever want to let go. There were no words for that. For the blessing of you. I could only tell you how freakin' hurt I was when you let go. When you were too embarrassed that some of our high school acquaintances would already know about us when it was just our first night together.
I should have taken that as a warning sign. It was easy for you to let go.
Let go.
Funny, it was our song, our very first. I thought how sweet it was for you to tell me to let go of all my fears and just fall. For you. I knew I was scared then, knew I wasn't ready. But that song. And I felt it: falling for you was inevitable.
But let go. yeah, I never thought, never even crossed my mind that you would ask me to let go of you. Like you were so trapped. Like suddenly you couldn't breathe until I let you go.
But really, you didn't ask me to let you go. You already claimed it and I couldn't do anything. It was you who first let go of me.
That night.
We were desperately trying to hold on to that night. Just as I am desperately trying to hold on to you right now. both of us didn't want that night to end so we were both purposefully prolonging it. Looking back at it from today, almost two years ago, I still wonder what you could've seen in me for you to fall so easily. again, I should've been warned: if it was that easy for you to fall, it was also that easy for you to let go.
But I didn't pay heed. because you said, you promised, you are nothing like them. You weren't the type who would ask for breaks in a relationship, long or short. But you failed. You did them to me. You lied. Because I was stupid enough to believe and to put down my guard.
And so here I am, pouring out the contents of my broken heart, with a heavy bag of shattered, empty pieces.
I write all this for you.
But I really wish I didn't had to.
Posted by afraudite at 1/28/2014 12:11:00 AM
